THE 306th Field Artillery


S0 this is Paris! That's what they all say when they step out of the stuffy coaches at the Gare-de-L'Est for the first time and make a dash for the A. P. M.'s mess line. The second time they find it unnecessary to quote from any modern Shakespeare, and the wicked worldly-wise even skip the mess line to find a pressing engagement with the French restaurant de Gare, which has a door opening directly out "on the taxis," or where the taxis ought to be. 0 tempora, 0 mores, how fast they learn!

The first increment to arrive in Paris had been hanging to brass straps all night, by the elbows, and sleeping debout the way we used to do on the famous long hike, but when they arrived they found that a mistake had been made in the tactical situation, and that the sun was " shining with all his might, "so they repaired in high spirits to the nearest bar for break-fast-and the Battle of Paris was on! It was meant to be only a minor engagement in preparation for le grand offensive at Nice, but there was a rapid change in the situation and a general attack soon developed from the heights of Montmartre to the Latin quarter, the fire being particularly heavy on the boulevards and in the late lamented bar at the Crillon. The regiment's Tactical Officer par excellence reconnoitered an excellent P. C. which abounded in Sole Meuni6re and other delicacies which one takes with his cocktails, champagne, liqueurs, etc. The Tactical Officer had had enough of brass straps and sleeping debout, and preferred a bon secteur without further marching. So he stayed and got a job on the Peace Commission tout de suite.

But his farewell party was a dinger! "0 yes 'tis," said the Chief Trout. The Tactical Officer is a connoisseur of beauty as well as of Sole Meuniere and expensive wines. Well, to make a long story short the evening's entertainment ended in a quiet session of the Great American Game-and I don't refer to African golf, Dan-in the most recherche surroundings. There were two Louis XVI. pianos in the beautiful, high ceiled studio, a fine carved oak side-board containing tout le necessaire, and a very amorous looking Marie Antoinette four-poster. Best of all, the engagement was staged directly over the room in which the commanding general was sleeping peacefully and unsuspectingly. They do say he missed a couple of bottles of Black & White the next day, however.

This was just one of the many actions that went to make up the great General Offensive of Paris. Of course it gets you coming and going when your leave leads to Nice, but it gets more of your money going than coming. You know why!-if you went to Nice. Some people went to Paris to buy supplies for the regiment-athletic or otherwise, it didn't matter much. Some made the most of their good fortune in being Princeton men. Others just worked it. How do they do it? Some stay there when they get there and arrange flowers on the tables in the boudoirs of peace delegates, or bring up their petits dejeuners to them. Some are even willing to get home at eleven o'clock every night and thus get free and indefinite board at a comfortable hospital. Only one developed what might be known by the Herr Doktor Major J. as a "sympathetic ear." Hewins!

Let's award him the Wampum-we cannot give him the Croix-de-Guerre.
No reconnaissance of the terrain is half begun without accurately locating that remarkable machine-gun nest known as Louis's bar. But why confine it to machine guns? It was a whole ordnance department where Louis and his buxom wife issued every known form of high explosive and projectile. We all wondered why people went to the Opera Cornique, but when we had been introduced to Louis by a famous and delightful lieutenant colonel of the 78th Division, the reason was clear. It was just to get up a thirst for the Between-the-Acts at Louis's. Of course some didn't need to go to the Opera. Louis had a remarkable little client who rides three horses at the circus and smokes seventy-five cigarettes a day. Always carry plenty of Camels.

Certain dignitaries were noticed by our invading forces en passant-for example H. R. M. George Rex, for whom one of our few fresh air patrols sang that beautiful little ditty regarding the King of England, the one that raises some doubts about his family history. It was on a bright, sunny day on the

Champs Elysees and all the quiet French people were much edified by the hymn singing. That was because they hadn't seen the choir trying to crawl down the muzzles of some 150's in the Place-de-la- Concorde to test their recoil mechanism.

Well, it's all a sweet dream now. We're back in the trenches at Dancevoir. And yet they call it open warfare! Why compared to Paris, this is a state of siege, and the warfare of Paris is wide open as long as you see the M. P.'s first.
Let us close this epic with a few simple verses:

What d'ya mean you stayed too long in Paris, What d'ya mean you stayed an extra day? That little card told you what to do. You know the one I mean, the little square of blue.

What d'ya mean you stayed too long in Paris, What d'ya mean she wouldn't let you go? Three months flat, you get for that,

So tuck that underneath your overseas cap. What d'ya mean you stayed too long in Paris? What d'ya mean that you missed your train.

" Y. M. C. A."
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